Standing Up for What You Believe

The other day, I read a news story about the SpaghettiO's people. Seems they posted a very benign tweet about Pearl Harbor that offended a few people. They ultimately deleted the tweet and then issued an apology. In reading through the reader comments on the story -- over 300 of them -- they all -- and I mean ALL -- supported SpaghettiO's, and questioned why they would have ever deleted the post in the first place. Not one comment expressed any contempt for the SpaghettiO’s people.

Which led me to the question: Who are these people who get offended so quickly and easily, and why are so many so quick to capitulate to them and issue apologies the instant someone gets offended?

This evening I shared an opinion of mine on Facebook. Well, not really an opinion so much as it was a question. It was a question born out of a frustration of mine that has been building for some time. Regardless, there were no names mentioned, and while it certainly was related to the circumstances of many I know, it was not pointed at anyone specifically.

Needless to say, I offended some people -- some who I feel very close to. Upon posting it, many of my Facebook friends weighed in with their own thoughts and opinions, which I welcome openly. I must admit, often is the time I will post something on Facebook for the express purpose of “stirring the pot,” as it were, just to get the discussions going. I love the discourse.

In fact, I would submit that that is the primary purpose of social media sites like Facebook, and others like them; to give the average Joe like myself a voice – a place where he can go to voice his thoughts, concerns, opinions and ideas, and otherwise just keep in touch with the rest of the world in a way we were never able to in the past. We all, of course, have the right to remain silent.

But being opinionated is kinda my thing, and if you’re gonna put yourself out there, you got to have some tough skin sometimes, because you know you’re going to tick someone off, or offend or hurt someone, sometimes people you love.

There are those who think it is better to keep your mouth shut and save feelings. No confrontation. There’s certainly a time for that. The question, “Is that a hill is worth dying on?” is a wise one to ask when you’re dealing with sensitive subjects. However, sometimes we sacrifice the truth at the peril of those who need to hear it just because we don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. Often times, that tactic does little more than allow a bad situation to fester to the point that it boils over into something much bigger and much worse than it ever should have been. How many times have we avoided a fight or an argument in the beginning, only to have a much more severe confrontation later because the problem was never dealt with?

Sometimes the truth hurts, and you have to be willing to share it with those who need it, sometimes for their own good, whether they want to hear it or not.

But being opinionated also comes with a great responsibility. First and foremost, you have to have your facts straight and accurate. Opinions, as they say, are like buttholes, and everyone’s got one. But your opinion won’t hold much weight if you don’t have facts to back it up. It has to be based on something concrete, and it’s not enough to just say, “Well, that’s my opinion,” if in fact your opinion is either false, or just plain wrong. That’s not the same thing as disagreeing. It is possible to disagree on a subject on which both parties are right, or at least partially so, with both opinions being based on various aspects of truth and facts. But whether we want to admit it or not, sometimes our opinions are just wrong. (Think: Obamacare.)

But a bigger responsibility is to be able to convey your opinion in a way that is most effective, and that usually entails the effort to deliver it with some tact, being as sensitive as possible to not hurt people to the extent that they just tune out and ultimately miss the whole point you were trying to make. Being blunt and to the point is one thing, and even being the kind of person who “tells it like it is” can be valuable, but if you offend people enough either through lack of clarity, untactful language, or just plain meanness, then you will have lost your audience completely, and that’s usually worse than offending someone.

I admit, this is where I fail more often than not. I pride myself on getting the facts straight, and at the risk of sounding boastful, I usually do a pretty good job of making sure the facts back up my opinion. But the written word can be a funny thing, and sometimes it can be very difficult to deliver what needs to be said without stinging a few people. Sometime, it can just be misunderstood because the reader doesn’t read the piece with the same inflection you intended when you wrote it.

But the biggest responsibility of all is you have to stand by what you say, and what you believe. Unless proven wrong – and God help us all recognize when we are wrong and be willing to admit to it – you cannot compromise what you believe. The moment you start to waffle, people will dismiss you as a hack. I believe in the concept that you put your name on your opinions, you stand by them, and you prepare yourself to defend them even in the face of adversity and the resistance of others. In other words, man up, and stand by what you believe.

I have no problem with that in most cases. But in tonight’s example, for a variety of reasons, I caved, and deleted my original post.

I regretted it immediately.

Not only because of my firm belief that you don’t back down from what you believe, but also because it deleted the comments of all of those who had taken the time to share their thoughts and opinions on the subject. Most of them, I must say, were in favor of my original post, and almost all were insightful and offered something of worth to the subject. I made the decision to not only back away from what I had stated, but also to wipe out thoughts and opinions of others that quite frankly did not belong to me.

Let me say this very carefully before I conclude. I pulled down my post for a variety of reasons…. I had hurt some, about which I was readily informed, and some of those were family members I never intended to even engage in this, let alone offend. Furthermore, I also received a visit from an angry boyfriend offering a thinly veiled threat that perhaps there could be further trouble if I didn’t delete it. The visit came after dark, with a darkly hooded associate in tow who I can only assume was there to exude further encouragement to the boyfriend.

I have been sick about it ever since. After he left, I thought, “no way” am I going to delete the post. And then I got to thinking: what if he’s a nutball and comes back with a gun or something, and then my little opinions get my family all shot up, and even though I would be making a stand, getting you and your family killed over a little Facebook post simply isn’t a cool way to die, and my Mom would be mad at me if it all went down that way?

And then I thought, “what if he’s right?” What if persisting in the whole issue really isn’t helping but doing more damage? What if maybe this wasn’t the best way, and the best place, to be trying to make this particular point?

So, all things considered, I put the kibosh on it all. And now I regret it.

And here’s why… First, what I said, and what I was trying to defend was right. I clearly stated that I am not without fault, far from perfect, and have made my share of bad decisions and choices in the past. But none of that changes the truth of what I was trying to say, which a simple defense of the family, and the importance of having BOTH parents in the house when raising a child. It is true – and the facts back this up – that, on the whole, children do better when they have both parents in the home, loving each other and loving the child and raising them right. That’s just simple logic.

But secondly, I regret it because backing away from my opinions go against every grain of my being. I am a firm believer in being able to look someone in the eye and say, “hey, I said what needed to be said.” I believe you don’t apologize for your feelings, and in this case, when the going got a little tough, I backed down, and I feel awful about it because I think that sends the wrong message to my kids. Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe in, even if it gets a little messy. How can I look people in the eye and tell them I am a man of my word if I back away from my word at the first sign of trouble?

Lastly, I just don’t like that someone violated my personal space. He didn’t like it either, I suppose, even though his personal space was somewhere in California on a Facebook server, and I guess you got to give him props for choosing to share his views personally rather than on a keyboard. He stood up for his girl, you gotta give him that.

But I must admit, it caught me a little off guard and to my detriment, I wasn’t as prepared as he was. I mean, he had a flunky with him. MY flunky was sitting back in the living room, unaware I was in need of a flunky.

So, was I wrong or right? I don’t know. I didn’t see anything wrong the original post, and most of the commenters didn’t either, but again… the whole sensitivity thing.

As for deleting it, well, for that I think now I was absolutely wrong. I may have hurt some people, and for that I’m truly sorry. But by giving in and taking back what I said, I think makes me look like a fraud, and I think it says that I’m weak and my actions don’t follow my words. I think it sends the message that the truth of what I was trying to convey simple wasn’t worth fighting for.

And that makes me sick.