Occasionally, I like to go back and read pieces I've written in the past. For a variety of reasons, but mostly because I write to chronicle what's on my mind at any particular moment. Many people believe I write to elicit responses from others -- and I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy that others might get something out of something I write -- but I think any writer, good or bad, would tell you the primary reason we write is for us, and us alone. I write because I enjoy it, and I like to get my thoughts down somewhere. If others enjoy it or hate it, that's just a bonus, but it really doesn't affect me one way or the other.
So I like to go back every now and then and read what I was thinking about at a particular time in the past. The reminiscing can be happy or sad, but I enjoy it when I'm reminded of some experience I've forgotten, and I get a kick out of chuckling over something I wrote that was probably intended to be funny, even if it was only for me. There's something very satisfying in laughing at my own joke.
Today, I went back and read a series of blogs from back in 2012. A vacation we took as a family to Delray Beach, Florida. My Mother-In-Law and her husband own a place down there, and were gracious enough to let us stay there a few times on vacation. It was my first trip there, and I made sure to write a little something about each day. I rather enjoyed the memories.
I was at a crossroads in my life at that time. My kids were getting older, my wife had just had another surgery on her head, and my career was in the balance, on that brink between my self-employment becoming profitable, or closing down the business and having to get a real job.
I remember being very tired and just looking forward to a relaxing couple of weeks, "relaxation" not being something I often pursued while on vacation. And I was in a very reflective mood at the time. My wife and I had been dreaming for years of living near the ocean, for a variety of reasons, and our vacations for the previous few years, and the years that followed, had mostly been to or near an ocean. I was just at a place where I was sorta analyzing where my life stood at the moment, and what direction I wanted to head.
I enjoyed reading through those blogs. Especially now, as so much has changed for me and Ginger over the past few years. As I chronicled my thoughts and experiences on that vacation to Delray, I'm struck by how much the experiences I relished on that trip have now become almost everyday realities for us here in our new home in South Carolina. It's almost as if that trip was the catalyst for Ginger and I making the decision to change our lives. I don't think there's any question, as I read through those again, that they lit a fire in us that lead us to be where we are today.
I reflected on my life in Indiana. Some things I liked, but others not so much. And about how a mundane familiarity about my everyday life at the time contrasted so much with what I was experiencing each day on that vacation.
I talked about being awe-struck by the beauty of the ocean, watching the sunrise with my wife for the first time, experiencing God in new ways, relaxing at the beach, hunting for alligators, and a myriad of other things that almost eerily reflect the lives we now lead here in Bluffton.
I had seen the ocean many times before that vacation, and yet, somehow, it was more magical, and awesome, and wonderful, and beautiful, and inspiring, and even a little scarier to me on that trip than it had ever been before. And it shifted something in me.
When you live by the ocean, you never visit it as much as you think you are going to, and yet, we go, at least to just see it, with some regularity. Sometimes, it's enough just knowing we can go anytime we want. Nevertheless, the moment the ocean comes into view, it still never ceases to take my breath away, in a way it never had before that vacation, but has ever since.
Ginger and I make a point to get up and go see the sunrise. Again, not often enough, but with some regularity. All in the effort to keep this place from becoming mundane to us, not that I believe it could ever become so. Alligators are an everyday reality for us now, and even though it's still super cool every time I see one, I find it almost funny now that we were so stoked about seeing them at all.
I mentioned how Ginger loves seeing palm trees and dolphins, and how the sight of either on vacation would light her up. Today, we have a palm tree growing in our back yard, and the entire downstairs of our home is decorated in palm tree decor. And now we can, at any time, on any given day, drive to the ocean, and if we sit around long enough, we'll see a dolphin swim by. It really is amazing.
God is very real to me here, in a way that had become lost on me in Indiana. It is hard to walk about in a place like this, with glorious weather almost every day, and not notice God's beauty in virtually everything you see. But it's more than that. I've begun to realize a calling, a purpose, on my life in a way that hadn't been there in awhile...
I'll come back to that in just a moment.
I'm not going to lie -- I had tired of the weather up north, not to mention the havoc it wreaked on Ginger's health. But that's the only thing inherent about Indiana I can say I didn't like. And I'm not alone. I know a lot of people who still live there who don't like the weather. But geography is a preference. There's a beauty in the hills of Nashville, Indiana in Autumn you won't find here. The same thing can be said about the mountains of Colorado, or the canyons of Nevada. Some people enjoy the changing of the seasons more than others. I don't.
Then again, the sunshine is different here than in the Midwest. I can't explain it. It just is. And you won't find as awe-inspiring a view in Indiana as there is at the beach. And there's nothing like taking a golf cart ride on a warm, sunshiny day on any given calendar day on which in Indiana you'd be bundled from head to toe in winter clothes. There's a lot to love here. (I've actually heard tell of doctors prescribing a vacation to the beach for their patients to heal whatever was ailing them at the time. I understand why now.)
But this is not a knock on Indiana. Please know that. It's just a place. I can't imagine I'd like North Dakota all that much, but plenty of people live there and love it. So to my friends and family who are still there, I'm not hating on the life I lived there. It wasn't Indiana...
It was me.
I had stagnated. Three dear friends and family members had recently died far too young. That's no excuse for my own shortcomings, but it had brought the realities of our own mortality and the shortness of this life far too close to home. I was growing older (still am!) and I felt locked into a way of life that I had very little choice over. While thankful for my gifts and talents, I felt as though there was very much a "circus monkey" quality to my life. Performing on command often when I just didn't want to. I know people enjoyed the things I did, and deep down, I liked that they did, but that's just how I felt.
Mostly, to my own detriment, I had drifted away from God. Slowly, but surely. Sure, I was still faithfully serving in the church, but my heart felt far away from Jesus. I had a hard time separating the fallacies of human interaction with the church -- especially my own -- from the life-giving grace and the peaceful restfulness of Jesus. I know faith doesn't come through acts, but I didn't feel like I was doing anything worthwhile for the Kingdom. There was a time in my life when I was very much on fire for Jesus. But that had long gone. At least that's how I felt, anyway.
So the time came to make a change. To take back some control -- if that is indeed even possible -- and to stop talking about our dreams and start doing them. As Andy Dufresne says in The Shawshank Redemption: "I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living, or get busy dying."
Ginger felt the same way, and has been even more adamant than I that God has something significant for us to do here in the Lowcountry. And that's starting to come into focus. The journey is going slowly, but it's going. It's hard to stop the wave as you're drifting away and get it going the other direction. With God's help, I feel like I'm finally starting to do it. And get a sense of what God is calling us to.
And here's the weird part: I think the calling is this: Everything I've just spoken about... Living life to the fullest and enjoying every moment as though it could be your last. God has recently brought me to a place where my gifts and talents are needed. And I haven't felt that need in quite some time. But a few weeks ago, our minister preached a sermon on the last week of Jesus's life, about His authority, the premise being that God calls us to living life to the fullest. Living a full and satisfying life in Christ has nothing to do with prosperity -- and sometimes, even personal happiness -- and everything to do with grasping the gift of life in Jesus and making the best of it.
I was emotionally moved by that sermon in a way I had not been in a very long time. And hit it me: THIS is what God is calling me to. At least in part, anyway. It's hard to reconcile God's Biblical call to everyone to go to the ends of the Earth and preach the Gospel, and that he places on some hearts to go to, like, Zimbabwe, and others to be an example in good ole' sunny Bluffton, SC, but I feel more strongly about this than I have in a long time. I certainly hope and pray I'm not just trying to justify my own selfish desires, but as I read back on those previous blogs, I realize this has been welling up in me for many years.
God wants Ginger and I to be examples. I'm certain of it. We have a unique testimony. He in no way wants us to abandon our inherent gifts and talents -- mine as a musician and Ginger's talent for working with small children -- but rather to incorporate those into a testimony about overcoming adversity and seeking and living out this Great Adventure of life through Jesus. And setting an example that it's never too early or too late to chase your dreams and better your life. He's brought us to a church home where we can do that, and into a community of like-minded individuals to be able to show others it's not only possible, but doable.
The drift back has been slow too, with setbacks along the way. But we're sailing in the right direction. And I feel good about it for the first time in a long time.
So here we are. Living our dream, and showing others that they can too. There's nothing stopping you from doing the same thing. Just remember, there is no right or wrong. There are excuses, true, but you have to make the choices that are best for you, and sometimes even for those who depend on you. But God is bigger than any obstacle. Geography, money, adversity, career, other's needs... He's bigger and stronger than all that. The decision you make might not be the right decision for someone else, and vice versa. But if you make a decision based on God and rely on His muscles, He'll work it out.
If you focus on allowing God to use your talents in service for the Kingdom (and yes, you have talent!) then I believe you'll find a calling that aligns with your passions and dreams.
Through social media, I watch friends of mine all the time who vacation not just to the ocean, but to lots of great places. I watch some who are very content with where God has them, and very much enjoy their lives back home, and are merely taking a little break to refresh. And that's OK. We all need a break from time to time, and I rejoice with you!
But I watch others who are getting away, or dreaming to, and are yearning and searching for the very same things we were. Unsettled, and perhaps hanging in that balance I spoke of earlier. You need to know that that life you dream of is not only possible, but doable! God has a way to use you! You just have to make the choice. It can be tough, and scary, and nerve-racking, but you can do it! I tell everyone all the time... you can do this, or you can be sitting around 10 years from now still talking about doing this. It's up to you.
Come and see us. Our home is open. We have a room for you (for free!) Take that vacation to the beach (at least close to the beach!) for a few days. You can share with us and we'll share with you. You'll find no condemnation here. Just encouragement and hopefully, and uplifting word from God.
And we'll head out together and see a dolphin and an alligator!
