Boy, Did I Touch a Nerve: I need a "Break!"

So yesterday, I posted a question on social media that certainly touched a nerve with some folks. It was merely a question, although some inferred various things from it. I didn't imply anything, I didn't say anything negative, and it certainly wasn't aimed at any particular person or issue. I was, in part, genuinely curious as to what answers I would get, and in part curious to see how people might react over something so innocuous.

Though I don't usually explain myself, and find it somewhat worthless to do so, the question was simple: Why do spouses feel the need to have nights out with their boys or girls apart from their spouses? Just a question. I did not offer the question in any context, and nowhere did I say having friends outside the marriage was wrong. Nor did I imply I thought it was a problem getting together with them from time to time without one's spouse. (Remember, just because someone infers something from another's comments doesn't necessarily mean the other implied anything.)

Understand, while I have my beliefs on the subject, there is no wrong or right answer. To each his or her own. I was just curious as to what the answers might be.

To be fair, most of the responses were casual, and expected. They have hobbies that their spouses don't share and they like to get out with others to enjoy those interests. Or they have otherwise lifelong friends and they enjoy getting together to catch up. Perfectly normal.

But boy, did I touch a nerve with some others, who not only read into the question much more than was there, but also immediately went on the defensive. I do not know if some felt the answers were obvious and therefore the question didn't need asking, or if they were just offended that anyone would dare to ask. At any rate, I had to fend off some who were obviously upset by the question. I was told "the question is offensive to those who enjoy the time." Though I cannot possibly see how.

One friend said, "This is an argument you will not win." But I wasn't making an argument. Nor was I seeking or trying to start one. I was genuinely just asking a question.

One commenter asked, "What's wrong with married people having friends?" Though I never stated anywhere I thought it was. Another stated that they just needed "Me" time and asked, "Why is that so wrong?" Again, I had to reply that I never stated it was, or that I believed it was. Because I don't. I was somewhat taken aback by the vitriol.

It was an interesting social study how quickly a simple question stirred some into a tizzy. I find that telling.

Others mentioned needing a "break" from their spouse, which, I must confess, is a concept I don't understand. Still others either outright stated or insinuated that never having time apart from a spouse is actually damaging to the relationship. I'm not here to analyze that thought. Just found it interesting.

Others stated that maintaining and fostering relationships outside the marriage is also important. I don't disagree with that at all. Cutting off other friends for the sake of a marriage is never good or healthy, unless those friends are somehow trying to damage or become toxic to the marriage itself. If you have a friend who is constantly griping and complaining to you about your spouse, without any real basis, then it's time to cut that friend loose.

Only one commenter picked up on what I was really asking, which is the idea of "need." They commented that they felt... "the operative word here," in my comment, "is NEED." They were right. They went on to say, "The two of us have never felt that NEED for the now 37 1/2 years of marriage." And that really was what I was looking for, in terms of concept. It's not that it's the "right" answer. It's just that that was the idea I was fishing around for.

Two weeks ago, Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez -- J-Lo and A-Rod! -- called it quits. Quite frankly, I couldn't have cared less. I have no interest in celebrity couples who like to play house until it is no longer convenient for them. But what I DO care about is the comment they put out in announcing their split, and the headline it got in most of the major news outlets:

"We're just better as friends."

Let me break that down for you: "The sex was great, but other than that, we couldn't really figure out how to get along, so we'll just pretend we're friends for the public, but really, we'll probably never talk much again."

At least that would have been more truthful.

It's a stupid comment like "We're just better as friends," that is, I believe, not only the biggest myth in relationships today, but also the biggest destroyer of marriages today. We've all heard it before... "You shouldn't date your friends." That literally could not be a more moronic statement. It is absolutely your best friend that you SHOULD be dating, and ultimately, to whom you should be married.

Usually -- not always, but usually -- what first attracts us to a mate is physical traits. We find someone attractive. But if not before, when we didn't realize it, usually somewhere along the way a genuine friendship blossoms -- or at least it should. When you find that friend who is the one you most want to lean into in the good times and bad, that usually is the person you find you'd like to spend the rest of your life with. I'm oversimplifying, of course, but you get the general idea.

Romance and intimacy are easy. You buy some flowers, you put on a sexy outift, you finally end up naked having at it. We're physically designed to make it happen, so it's not that tough. (Please understand, I'm not undervaluing something that for some people, especially in the case of abuse, can be very scary and intimidating and even traumatizing. I'm just making a point that we are designed as physical creatures to procreate and have intimacy.) So in most relationships, romance and intimacy is the easiest part.

But you see, kids, one day, we start to age. Not sure when it happens, but our bodies start not looking like they once did. We start having less and less of a need for physical love, and the need for emotional and psychological love grows. I'm not a psychologist, but if you ask around, I'll bet you'll find thats primarily true. When that time comes, you better have more than just a good sex life holding it all together.

And while having a true friendship is always valuable, it becomes darn-near vital as we age and our relationships last longer and longer. At some point, if not early on, the friendship becomes considerably more important to the flourishing of any marriage than does the physical aspects. Again, please don't misunderstand: regular physical intimacy is a MUST for any marriage. It's just that it's not THE most important part. Think of it this way: A man and woman can stay together forever without having sex, but if they hate each other, no amount of sex will keep them together.

The message of, "We're just better as friends," has been destroying the minds of young people and ruining marriages for centuries. Think about it: I've never heard anyone say, "I just need a break away from my best friend." Indeed, most people are clamoring for more time spent with their besties. But you hear, "I just need a break from my spouse," pretty regularly. Alarmingly so, I believe.

Ginger and I have natural times apart. Time apart that simply happens organically. I play music, and still occasionally dabble in golf or some other activity. There are times she joins me, as she's always welcome, but not always. I'll golf with a buddy, or jam with my musical friends. We might grab some lunch or something together. Ginger has her own interests. Ladies she'll have a breakfast or Bible study with, or a game night with other ladies to which she gets invited. But those breaks happen naturally, during the course of our everyday lives. And those occurrences provide the natural "breaks" from each other without any real effort behind it. We're just living normal, everyday lives for Pete's sake.

But I am being honest when I say I have never once "needed" a break from Ginger. I have never had a "need" to "hang out with the boys" to get away from my wife for awhile. I'm not even sure I understand what "me time" really is, because she is what makes me happy. Heck, if it wasn't for Ginger's own refusal of invitations, she'd be with me all the time, as I never do anything with anybody she isn't welcome to join. And I don't want to speak for her, but I'd bet you she'd say the same thing. Sorry -- not sorry. That's just us.

None of which is to say the answers and comments I got on my post yesterday were wrong. It was just very telling that some got so defensive about it right out of the chute. So please, you do you and I'll do me. You certainly didn't ask for, nor do you need, my stamp of approval. Who am I anyway?

But I will say this: And this comes from 40+ years of really having a keen interest in watching and observing marriages, so take it for what its worth. Rarely have I seen a truly happy marriage where either spouse felt they "needed" a break from each other. If you feel that "need" in your marriage, perhaps there's more there than you realize. That's just a friendly heads up.

By the way, the winning comment yesterday came from my brother, Troy McGranahan... "I steal things... and I don't want her to be involved.

Rock on, brother... rock on!

My First Reds Game: a Thank You to my Uncles.

It is no secret I'm a big Cincinnati Reds fan. My Indiana friends and family knew it as just a core part of who I am. As my South Carolina friends learn of it -- and see my Reds Room for the first time -- they are struck by how anybody can be so obsessed. Here, being a fan of anything besides Clemson and the University of South Carolina, especially a pro team, most definitely sets one apart from the crowd.

My Uncle Danny just recently passed away. The youngest brother of my mother, I can't say we were close. Growing up, and into my adult years, we never lived near each other, and as such just saw each other at family get togethers, which, sadly, were not frequent. I have few memories of time shared with Uncle Danny over the years, but there is one that stands out: He took me to see my first Reds game.

April 29, 1980. I was 10 years old.

Another of my uncles, my Uncle Mike, lived in Cincinnati when we were growing up. Together, Uncle Mike and Uncle Danny shared a love of cars, especially working on and refurbing old classics. I truly do not remember the details, so my recollections of the events that led to us attending the game are admittedly murky, and could very easily be flat out wrong. In any case, through some form of gathering, my uncles ended up taking both me and my brother to a Reds game.

Again, my memory of the day's events, even of the game itself, are cloudy, but here's what I do remember...

1) On the way to the game, we stopped to eat at a Burger Chef restaurant in Batesville, IN. Today, that building is a Skyline Chili restaurant. The restaurant is right off the highway exit and Batesville is literally a halfway point between where I lived in Indiana, and downtown Cincinnati, and has always been a good place to stop for a bite and fill up. I have stopped there many times with my family over the years to eat at Skyline on our trips back and forth to Cincy.

The reason I remember stopping at Burger Chef that day is because in those days, Burger Chef's equivalent to McDonald's Happy Meal was called a Fun Meal, and they came in little cardboard trays that had little perforated, baseball-shaped cards on the back and bottom. You could request any team you wanted, and if they had it in stock, you got it. I, of course, requested a Reds Fun Meal, and got it! It was, of course, one of many Reds Fun Meals I would have eaten in those days, as we had a Burger Chef restaurant in my home town of Mooresville. What I didn't know then, and what I know now, was that those Fun Meal boxes with the cards on the back was one of my first forays into Reds memorabilia collecting. As is the case with anything in the moment, you don't know it's memorabilia, and you rarely hang on to the item. Sadly, I did not keep a single Fun Meal box from those days, although it is true that I have a few of the original cards from those boxes. But I loved them so much, that I did, through the miracle that is eBay, purchase an original Fun Meal box with the Cincinnati Reds for my collection, and it hangs prominently from the ceiling in my Reds Room today. (Picture included.)

2) My memories of the game itself are equally as fuzzy. I remembered the Reds played the Astros, and it was the first year after Joe Morgan had left the Reds and returned to Houston. I remember being very upset having to watch Morgan come to bat for the Astros against the Reds. I remember also not like the Reds manager, John McNamara, much at all, as he had replaced the legend, Sparky Anderson a couple years before. Pete Rose was gone by that time too, but he was off somewhere else with the Phillies that day. The only detail about the game I remember is that the Reds lost, 3-0, and that Morgan had scored one of the runs for the Astros that day. Made it even more heartbreaking.

I remember seeing Riverfront Stadium up close for the first time, and how green the turf was inside the stadium and how big it all looked. We sat somewhere down the third base line, but I don't remember exactly where. Morgan and Rose were gone, but I remember distinctly the excitement of watching Bench and Concepcion and Griffey and Foster. I remember being thrilled, even if I don't remember much else.

Flash forward nearly 40 years. As I have accumulated and decorated my Reds Room, thoughts of my first game would pop up in my head every now and then. While I have items in the Room that have survived from my childhood, there aren't many, and I honestly do not know if any of the items I do have were acquired at that game or not. The few details I could recall -- Morgan playing for the Astros and the 3-0 loss -- were the only clues I had to go on to try to get more info on the game itself, and the date it was played.

A search through the game databases on Baseball-Reference.com finally led me to the game on April 29, 1980. It's the only game that fits my memories, although I don't remember it being a night game, and I can't figure out why my Mom would have let us go on a school day. Perhaps it was during our Spring Break, which is the only thing that makes sense.

Nevertheless, there it is. Reds loss to the Astros, 3-0, on a Tuesday night in April, in the Spring of my 10th year. The box score confirms Morgan going 1-4 on the day, scoring a run for the Astros. The Reds Charlie Liebrandt started and threw 8 solid innings of 3-run ball, but was out-dueled by Astros righty, Ken Forsch, who only allowed 3 hits to the Reds in a shutout performance. I had correctly guessed who I'd believed had started that day for the Reds, except for Harry Spilman, who started in place of regular 1st Baseman, Dan Driessen. Interestingly, the Astros starting lineup that day featured 3 players who would go on to play for the Reds later in their careers. And, Art Howe, who would go on to manage the A's during their Moneyball heyday.

Throughout my Reds Room, I have several ticket stubs from games we've attended over the years. No where near ALL the games we've attended, and no rhyme or reason to why I have the ones I do. Just stubs we never discarded for one reason or another, and made for good space fillers on the wall.

However, for some in the memorabilia world, ticket-stub collecting is a big deal. And if one has an accompanying stub from a game at which a particular piece of memorabilia was obtained -- a game-used ball or bat, or a bobblehead, or some other giveaway -- than the value of the memorabilia is increased. Often, when I've purchased an item I've wanted, it came with a stub from the game, even though I didn't request it. It's not something I seek in my collecting, but it is certainly an important slice of the memorabilia collecting world, and there are several collectors out there who deal extensively in ticket stubs.

I began to ponder, as I watched other collectors seek and obtain certain ticket stubs for their collections -- perhaps a stub from the game on the day their kid was born, or a stub from their wedding day, etc. -- could there be a ticket stub floating around out there from April 29, 1980? I put the word out what I was looking for on the primary memorabilia page I deal with on Facebook. It was a long shot, I knew, but didn't hurt to ask. Within minutes, a fellow member told me to reach out to another certain collector to see if he could help.

So I did.

The gentlemen responded to my request with a simple, "I have one," followed by a picture of the stub. I couldn't believe it. There it was: a simple, small, green ticket stub with Reds logo and line-drawing of Riverfront Stadium from April 29, 1980. What are the odds? Pretty good, as it turns out.

A very reasonable and attractive price was offered for purchase of the item, and I sent the money immediately. A week later, I was holding the stub in my hands. Pretty amazing, now that I think about it.

Of course, my immediate thoughts were how to display it in the Reds Room. Without boring you with how things have to be moved around to make it fit, I decided on the display you see in the picture here. A custom-made red matte, 16x20, with room for cards for the 9 starters for the Reds that day, along with a 10th space for an Astros Joe Morgan card. Just didn't feel right to leave him out. I have plenty of Reds cards, so I made sure each card for each player was a different year and style. I created the center picture collage with a photo I took of Riverfront some years ago (top), along with some other stock photos of the stadium. Some custom vinyl to title the piece, and the stub tacked neatly below the collage inside a plastic holder, and it's done. It occurred to me to print the box score from the game and include it, but I decided against it.

My memories of that day end at the Fun Meal and the score, a 3-0 loss. But I will be forever thankful for my Uncles Danny and Mike for taking me to my first game. I'm only sorry I never took the chance to tell Uncle Danny thanks before he passed. To my Uncle Mike... thank you.

I have a thousand memories and hundreds of pictures from literally over a hundred games in the years since then, most of them with my wife and kids. I cherish them all, and indeed some hang from the walls in the Reds Room to this day. But I'm glad to renew the memories from that first game, and get the chance to memorialize it in my favorite space.

Come down and take a look some time.