I read a pretty good article today, titled Why You Weren’t Ready for Marriage: What no one ever told you… You should read the article yourself. It was written by a young minister named Tyler McKenzie, an acquaintance of mine who’s been married for a few years. He’s married to one of my favorite people in all the world, and it was my privilege to DJ their wedding reception. Ironically, she is the daughter of the minister and good friend of mine who officiated my wedding 23 years ago.
The premise of his article is that it is easy to fall in love, but hard to stay in love. The basis of which is that marriage is hard, and takes a lot of work to maintain and remain successful.
I agree, but only to a point. He means well, he really does, and he makes some good points and accurate assessments about how easy it is to “fall in love,” and how little substance on which the act of “falling in love” can be based.
But I think he misses some very vital points.
I always cringe when I hear people say that marriage is “hard.” That statement presumes that there is something inherently difficult in having a successful, long-lasting marriage. And I don’t believe that. And the reason I don’t believe that is because the Bible doesn’t teach that. There is no Biblical basis whatsoever that marriage – the way God set it up – is difficult at all, nor should it be.
In fact, I would contend that the Bible lays out some very concrete and very simple principles for marriage that if we would only follow them, would make marriage and, more specifically, our relationships with our spouses – and others – much, much easier.
First and foremost, we have to understand that God ordained marriage between a man and a woman for a very simple reason. When God created Adam, the very first observation He made about Adam was, “It’s not goodthat he should be alone.” So, after finding no suitable mate for Adam among all the creatures God had already created, He took a part away from Adam and made a woman. Therefore, God said, they should join together again so that they can become one.
So, the concept of “You Complete Me” is actually true. There’s actually a part of us that is incomplete without a spouse, so it should come as no surprise that we would want to take a spouse, and be naturally compatible with them. That’s the easy part.
(There are those who are called to be single for the sake of the Gospel – like the Apostle Paul – and God becomes their “completer,” but that’s a debate for another blog.)
But there is a BIG passage of Scripture in the New Testament that I think Tyler misses. And its true meaning is one a good portion of us miss on a regular basis. It’s found in I Corinthians 13.
Yes, the Love Chapter.
You’ve probably read it countless times, heard it recited at virtually every wedding you’ve ever attended, likely even your own. But here’s the catch: That passage isn’t talking about marriage, doesn’t even mention a husband or a wife. The context of the passage is about Spiritual gifts, and Paul is making a point that you can have all the prophesying, and tongue-speaking and healing you want, but without Love, they’re all meaningless gifts. The concept of marriage doesn’t even come up in the passage.
And I think that’s precisely why we miss what Paul is actually trying to tell us. Sure, it works well for a marriage, and is most definitely applicable, but the bigger picture is that the principles of Love that Paul lays out in that passage is how we are supposed to love EVERYBODY. Not just our spouse. It includes everybody from your parents, to your children, to your best friend, to your co-workers to your neighbors, and yes, to your spouse.
Which is where this all becomes tricky. Because somewhere along the line, society teaches us that we shouldn’t date (or marry) our friends. We’re not born with that inherently. It’s learned behavior. And whoever came up with that assessment was an absolute moron.
One of my best friends just died. Bryce Mansfield was certainly my best male friend, but the truth is that I loved him exactly the same way I love my wife. Because that’s what the Bible teaches me to do. Of course, the levels of intimacy were different (Thank God!) but the basis of our relationships is the same. Both my friendship with Bryce and with my wife are based on the same principles of Love laid out in I Corinthians 13. As is my relationships with my Mom, my kids, my other friends, and so on and so forth.
And that’s what we miss. Marriages aren’t hard because they are inherently difficult. They’re hard because we make them hard. We let society get in the way, and our own stupid and preconceived notions on what marriage is supposed to be like. And we forget that the Bible actually makes it very easy for us.
All too often, we choose to treat our spouses differently than we treat our other friends. We never talk about how “hard” it is to be friends with our best friend. It’s not hard to be a friend. We all get on our friends nerves at times, but we never say things like “we just can’t make our friendship work anymore,” or, “I can’t be friends with you anymore because you don’t look like you did when we were in 1st grade together.” You never hear, “He never helps me mow my grass so we just can’t be friends anymore.”
The reason marriages are hard is because too many people choose to marry someone with whom they are not friends. Or worse, they stop treating their spouse as a friend after they get married. My wife and I fight about things. We’ve fought about money, and sex and lots of other things, but we’ve never once considered the idea that we can’t be friends anymore. We’re not special people, any different from anyone else. We don’t have any special insight or wisdom. We’re just best friends.
Tyler is right in many respects. We do need to look ahead and understand that our bodies will change, and our looks will go, and our circumstances and environment might evolve. Marriage is a commitment, and it does take effort. But those things aren’t hard to do. In fact, they’re very easy. They’re simple choices we make every day. You don’t have to be a Super Hero to make it happen. The Bible teaches us how to do it. How hard is it to tell your best friend you love them?
I made that mistake before. I told a girl once that all I wanted to do was be friends, and that I had no intentions of ever dating her. I just about blew it. Fortunately, God hit me over the head one night, and I realized that the person I really wanted to spend all my time with was my friend. My best friend.
And Tyler McKenzie’s Father-in-Law married us 23 years ago. It wasn’t hard at all, and I haven’t had a difficult day since.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
My Brother, My Friend.
This past week, we heard of the tragic passing of a good man. He was a good father, son, husband, grandfather, and most of all, a man of God. My heart breaks for the Gegg family. His sons were friends of my sons, and I know the pain of losing a father. His passing came very quickly and very suddenly and all too soon for those of us who must remain behind. My heart goes out to Rachelle, Hannah, Matt, Aaron and Peter. Their strength through all of this has been inspiring, and I take joy and comfort in joining them in the knowledge that we will all be joined together again someday.
Now I've lost one of the best and dearest friends I've ever had.
Many have believed over the years that Bryce Mansfield and I were brothers. For all intents and purposes, we were. More often than not, that's how we introduced each other to others.
Biologically, of course, we weren't. But spiritually and emotionally, we most certainly were brothers.
What can you say about someone who has been your best friend for nigh on 30 years? How can one adequately describe the type of person he was? How can I satisfactorily share the pain I feel now that he's gone? I fear I don't have the right words to give the answers to any of those questions true justice.
The cliche's are easy: Loving, caring, tender-hearted, a good person, never met a stranger, and a man of God. For Bryce, that's all true, and yet comes nowhere close to really describing him with any measure of fullness.
For everyone who knew him, you'll agree with me when I say this: He truly was one of a kind. I simply do not know of even one person who did not instantly love Bryce upon meeting him. I do not know of even one person who does not continue to love the man to this day. Bryce had his flaws, no question -- we all do -- but I challenge you to think of anyone who doesn't just absolutely adore Bryce. From his long-time friends like me, to the casual friend of his parents, to the college student who only knew him as his dorm RA, to the waitress him brings him his breakfast at a restaurant, to the photog buddy he met in Michigan, with whom he literally only spent a few hours of his life, yet is still making the trek down here to Indiana to attend his funeral.
Not one. I can't think of even one. They ALL loved him, and never had anything but good things to say about him. Rarely did a day go by that someone didn't ask me about him. Almost everyone who knew he and I as friends connected at the hip would constantly ask me how Bryce was doing if they didn't see us together. "How is Bryce doing?" That's a question I fielded almost daily, usually multiple times a day.
But that's the easy part. Liking and loving Bryce was easy, because Bryce made it easy to do.
Now comes the hard part. The part where I have to try to tell you the impact he had on my life, and the life of my family. That part is much, much harder, because I don't think the words exist to adequately describe it. But after thinking about it over the past several days, here's but a meager summary: I am a better person for having known him.
I met Bryce in high school. He started hanging out with the band I was in at the time. Not so much for the music -- although I'm honored to know he always has loved the music I made -- but rather more for the Spiritual component. We were a Christian band, and we sung songs about Jesus, and that attracted Bryce, because he had a hunger to know Jesus. He was big and strong, even then, capable of grabbing two Peavey bass cabinets, one in each hand, and loading them to the stage. For reference, it usually took two people to carry just one cabinet! But he went quickly from little more than just a roadie who hung out with the band to being not only our sound man, but a trusted spiritual peer and ally, who was as active and vital to our weekly Bible studies as any of us on stage.
From there, we simply became deep friends, and he continued to hang out with me and my wife long after the band broke up. Like me, my wife -- who just so happened to be Bryce's junior high crush (that went for a lot of teasing between us!) -- has always considered Bryce her brother, and treated him as such. Over the years, Bryce and I worked together, sometimes as a peers, other times literally he was an employee of mine. And every friend I had instantly became best friends with Bryce. And every family member I have instantly became family with Bryce. My Mom became one of his many mothers, and my brothers and sisters became his brothers and sisters.
And when my children were born, they instantly had an Uncle Bryce.
At our family birthdays, Bryce was there, didn't matter what family member it was. At our family Thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings, Bryce was there. And he wasn't a visitor. People expected him to be there, and would ask me where he was if he was absent. It was never just "Paul and Ginger" are coming. It was "Paul and Ginger and Bryce" are coming.
My friends became his friends because that was the package. If you got me, you usually got Bryce, and without exception, Bryce instantly won them over. I'm so honored to know that so many who love Bryce today and consider him a good friend do so because he simply was hanging out with me, and, as always, was along for the ride.
And that extended to my kids' friends. Not only did my boys have their Uncle Bryce, but their classmates had an Uncle Bryce as well. Many was the time we would walk into one of the boys' schools, and a classmate of theirs would instantly come running to Bryce -- before anyone else, I might add -- exclaiming "Uncle Bryce!" And he would wrap them up in one of those patented Bryce bear hugs. One of my son's school basketball games was briefly halted once as virtually the whole team came running to Uncle Bryce when he entered the gym!
I have thousands of great memories with Bryce. The time he broke the seat in my van. The time he hid a baby rabbit he'd found in his jacket pocket and took him to a club I was working at that night. The time he "playfully" body-slammed my brother, Kevin, during a Cowboy's Super Bowl win, nearly breaking his back. The time he smashed a raw egg into every nook and cranny of my mother's kitchen. The countless talks, discussions, late night chats. About everything from girls, family, politics, kids, life and death, and Jesus. Each of them special, each of them personal, and yet today, all of them morphing into one giant happy memory of Bryce.
And while Bryce had many friends over the years, and so many who were moved and touched by him, and certainly others he was close to, I'm proud to say, and not the least bit shy about exclaiming that I was his best and closest. It was Bryce and I who continued to drift back together after every foray we'd take in life. He was there when I graduated high school, there when I married my wife, there when my children were born, there for their various school graduations, and culminated in us spending almost every waking hour together in the last couple of years as we worked and played together once again.
Bryce has his own spot in my living room... what does that tell you? (And what does it say about how big a person Bryce was that as an avid St. Louis Cardinals fan, he could sit, sometimes up to 15 or 16 hours a day, in my Cincinnati Reds living room?)
What we all worried about happening to Bryce someday has now happened. And now I miss my brother very much. But I can tell you this... Bryce, more than any other person I'd ever met in my life, truly looked forward to going to Heaven. He desired to see and meet Jesus. He was tired, and in a lot of physical pain -- for many years, I suspect -- and he was ready for it all to be over.
As much as he loved his family, and his friends, and my family -- and yes, even me -- he loved Jesus more. And in the end, he is now where he really wanted to be all along. And that is how it should be.
So this is not a goodbye, but rather, a farewell, until we see each other again. Because we will see each other again. And it was Bryce's fervent prayer and greatest desire that everyone he knew -- his friends, and especially his family -- come to know Jesus, so that he could see them all again one day too.
So, to honor Bryce, let's let this time be a challenge to us all. If you already know Jesus, then you can rejoice with us that we will all meet again someday. But don't miss the chance to tell your friends and family you love them. Because tomorrow isn't guaranteed.
But if you don't know Jesus, and you'd like to, and you'd also like to know what made Bryce the kind of person he was, then I want to invite you check in with someone. Go to a church and talk to a minister, or even just another church-goer. Visit a Bible study during the week, or just drop by a church office and find someone to talk to. If that doesn't work, then give me a call. I'll talk to you.
It's what Bryce would want.
Now I've lost one of the best and dearest friends I've ever had.
Many have believed over the years that Bryce Mansfield and I were brothers. For all intents and purposes, we were. More often than not, that's how we introduced each other to others.
Biologically, of course, we weren't. But spiritually and emotionally, we most certainly were brothers.
What can you say about someone who has been your best friend for nigh on 30 years? How can one adequately describe the type of person he was? How can I satisfactorily share the pain I feel now that he's gone? I fear I don't have the right words to give the answers to any of those questions true justice.
The cliche's are easy: Loving, caring, tender-hearted, a good person, never met a stranger, and a man of God. For Bryce, that's all true, and yet comes nowhere close to really describing him with any measure of fullness.
For everyone who knew him, you'll agree with me when I say this: He truly was one of a kind. I simply do not know of even one person who did not instantly love Bryce upon meeting him. I do not know of even one person who does not continue to love the man to this day. Bryce had his flaws, no question -- we all do -- but I challenge you to think of anyone who doesn't just absolutely adore Bryce. From his long-time friends like me, to the casual friend of his parents, to the college student who only knew him as his dorm RA, to the waitress him brings him his breakfast at a restaurant, to the photog buddy he met in Michigan, with whom he literally only spent a few hours of his life, yet is still making the trek down here to Indiana to attend his funeral.
Not one. I can't think of even one. They ALL loved him, and never had anything but good things to say about him. Rarely did a day go by that someone didn't ask me about him. Almost everyone who knew he and I as friends connected at the hip would constantly ask me how Bryce was doing if they didn't see us together. "How is Bryce doing?" That's a question I fielded almost daily, usually multiple times a day.
But that's the easy part. Liking and loving Bryce was easy, because Bryce made it easy to do.
Now comes the hard part. The part where I have to try to tell you the impact he had on my life, and the life of my family. That part is much, much harder, because I don't think the words exist to adequately describe it. But after thinking about it over the past several days, here's but a meager summary: I am a better person for having known him.
I met Bryce in high school. He started hanging out with the band I was in at the time. Not so much for the music -- although I'm honored to know he always has loved the music I made -- but rather more for the Spiritual component. We were a Christian band, and we sung songs about Jesus, and that attracted Bryce, because he had a hunger to know Jesus. He was big and strong, even then, capable of grabbing two Peavey bass cabinets, one in each hand, and loading them to the stage. For reference, it usually took two people to carry just one cabinet! But he went quickly from little more than just a roadie who hung out with the band to being not only our sound man, but a trusted spiritual peer and ally, who was as active and vital to our weekly Bible studies as any of us on stage.
From there, we simply became deep friends, and he continued to hang out with me and my wife long after the band broke up. Like me, my wife -- who just so happened to be Bryce's junior high crush (that went for a lot of teasing between us!) -- has always considered Bryce her brother, and treated him as such. Over the years, Bryce and I worked together, sometimes as a peers, other times literally he was an employee of mine. And every friend I had instantly became best friends with Bryce. And every family member I have instantly became family with Bryce. My Mom became one of his many mothers, and my brothers and sisters became his brothers and sisters.
And when my children were born, they instantly had an Uncle Bryce.
At our family birthdays, Bryce was there, didn't matter what family member it was. At our family Thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings, Bryce was there. And he wasn't a visitor. People expected him to be there, and would ask me where he was if he was absent. It was never just "Paul and Ginger" are coming. It was "Paul and Ginger and Bryce" are coming.
My friends became his friends because that was the package. If you got me, you usually got Bryce, and without exception, Bryce instantly won them over. I'm so honored to know that so many who love Bryce today and consider him a good friend do so because he simply was hanging out with me, and, as always, was along for the ride.
And that extended to my kids' friends. Not only did my boys have their Uncle Bryce, but their classmates had an Uncle Bryce as well. Many was the time we would walk into one of the boys' schools, and a classmate of theirs would instantly come running to Bryce -- before anyone else, I might add -- exclaiming "Uncle Bryce!" And he would wrap them up in one of those patented Bryce bear hugs. One of my son's school basketball games was briefly halted once as virtually the whole team came running to Uncle Bryce when he entered the gym!
I have thousands of great memories with Bryce. The time he broke the seat in my van. The time he hid a baby rabbit he'd found in his jacket pocket and took him to a club I was working at that night. The time he "playfully" body-slammed my brother, Kevin, during a Cowboy's Super Bowl win, nearly breaking his back. The time he smashed a raw egg into every nook and cranny of my mother's kitchen. The countless talks, discussions, late night chats. About everything from girls, family, politics, kids, life and death, and Jesus. Each of them special, each of them personal, and yet today, all of them morphing into one giant happy memory of Bryce.
And while Bryce had many friends over the years, and so many who were moved and touched by him, and certainly others he was close to, I'm proud to say, and not the least bit shy about exclaiming that I was his best and closest. It was Bryce and I who continued to drift back together after every foray we'd take in life. He was there when I graduated high school, there when I married my wife, there when my children were born, there for their various school graduations, and culminated in us spending almost every waking hour together in the last couple of years as we worked and played together once again.
Bryce has his own spot in my living room... what does that tell you? (And what does it say about how big a person Bryce was that as an avid St. Louis Cardinals fan, he could sit, sometimes up to 15 or 16 hours a day, in my Cincinnati Reds living room?)
What we all worried about happening to Bryce someday has now happened. And now I miss my brother very much. But I can tell you this... Bryce, more than any other person I'd ever met in my life, truly looked forward to going to Heaven. He desired to see and meet Jesus. He was tired, and in a lot of physical pain -- for many years, I suspect -- and he was ready for it all to be over.
As much as he loved his family, and his friends, and my family -- and yes, even me -- he loved Jesus more. And in the end, he is now where he really wanted to be all along. And that is how it should be.
So this is not a goodbye, but rather, a farewell, until we see each other again. Because we will see each other again. And it was Bryce's fervent prayer and greatest desire that everyone he knew -- his friends, and especially his family -- come to know Jesus, so that he could see them all again one day too.
So, to honor Bryce, let's let this time be a challenge to us all. If you already know Jesus, then you can rejoice with us that we will all meet again someday. But don't miss the chance to tell your friends and family you love them. Because tomorrow isn't guaranteed.
But if you don't know Jesus, and you'd like to, and you'd also like to know what made Bryce the kind of person he was, then I want to invite you check in with someone. Go to a church and talk to a minister, or even just another church-goer. Visit a Bible study during the week, or just drop by a church office and find someone to talk to. If that doesn't work, then give me a call. I'll talk to you.
It's what Bryce would want.
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