Confessions of a High School Basketball Announcer

I've been a high school basketball game announcer now for over 14 years. I'm not what you would consider -- and what most people who only "hear" me, and don't really know me, assume -- much of a basketball fan. It was just never my sport. I can't jump, and I can't dribble (at least not with my left hand) and I really don't shoot all that well either. And besides, I don't like to run much. So there's that.

I was always more of a baseball guy, and I'm a big football fan. But basketball? Not so much.

I don't get all giddy at March Madness time. In fact, I'm a little surprised I know what March Madness is. I don't watch the NBA draft, and couldn't begin to tell you who plays for what team, unless it's Lebron, Kobe or... well, I can't think of anyone else. I do know Bobby Knight used to coach at IU, and I know that someone who plays for Kentucky this year played with my son on his junior high team, one of only two seasons my son ever played in his life, so that's pretty cool.

My lack of interest in basketball is such that I rarely know the opponent our team is playing until I actually arrive at the game. You see, as the stadium announcer, I'm not a play-by-play guy, like the guy you hear on the radio listening to the game. My job is to make announcements, hype up the starting line-up, call out who made the shot, and who committed the foul, and do it all in a way that keeps the home crowd all hyped up. I'm good at that, and as long as I have a roster in front of me of the visiting team, who that visiting team actually is is actually pretty irrelevant.

I don't attend away games, because, again, I don't like basketball. It's not personal, you understand. I love the kids! I really do. I have a good relationship with the athletic administration, and the coaches, most of the players and I root for my hometown. I just don't like basketball.

Which is why I rarely know what our record is. Because I have no idea whether our team won in whatever away game they played last night. Every time I'm asked, "Who we playing tonight?" my response is, "I have no idea." And more than once have I been asked by someone, "What do you think of the team this year?" And I have to make up something about, well, we have some shooters, and they work hard, or they're going to struggle because they have no inside game this year.

Whatever all that means.

Which is why, prior to announcing my first high school basketball game, at nearly 31 years old, I had personally seen -- including my own high school days -- perhaps not more than five full high school games. Which is also why, when the high school athletic director asked me, "You announce basketball games?" my response was, "No, but I'll do it if you need me to."

That was prior to the 2001 boys basketball season, and I've been doing it ever since. A year or two after that, I began announcing the girls basketball games as well, and so, I suspect, that since that time, given an average of about 15 games a season or so, I've now seen a little over 200 high school basketball games.

Now I realize that may pale in comparison to those who actually like basketball, especially if they've played the game themselves and/or have children and/or grandchildren who play. Those of you who fall into that category have probably seen thousands of games or even more. But I think 200 games is enough to have learned a little about the game, so, I will get to the crux of this blog.

I would like to share what I've learned about basketball -- specifically high school basketball -- in my days as a high school announcer. As a preface, let me say this: As any of you who have seen a high school game know, the announcer's table, along with the scoring table and the players benches, are actually on the visiting team side of the gym. (At least they are at our home gym. Since I don't go to away games, I'm not sure if it's this way at every gym or not.) Now, why this is the case, I do not know. I can only assume that the IHSAA, in their infinite wisdom, has some logical reason for this, but I cannot say for sure. So you need to know that most of what I've learned, I've learned from the visiting team.

With that said, here are the things I've learned in my days as a high school basketball announcer:

1) Referees have no idea what they're doing. None of them, not one. I know this because the fans have informed us thusly at virtually every game I've called. Mostly, they're blind. They're never serious. (I know this too because after every call, someone asks them if they are serious, and even though they never answer back, I can only assume they are not serious.) They kid a lot too, although this too is unconfirmed. Many have never officiated a basketball game in their lives, and therefore they have failed to get in the game, whatever that means. What's worse is that at every game I've ever called, I've had the misfortune of seeing the worst official someone in the stands has ever seen, which is saying a lot, seeing as though that person has probably seen over 1000 games, and me a mere 200. It's probably just dumb luck on my part, but I pretend it is a badge of honor so as to not get so depressed. And even with so little officiating experience, they somehow have earned the honor of being hired by the home team so often, they've developed an unhealthy loyalty to the home team, and every visiting team loss is somehow tied to that loyalty.

2) Every coach (and every fan, for that matter) is convinced that their own player NEVER fouls anyone else, yet at the same time is convinced that same player gets fouled on EVERY play they make, even if it's a technical foul shot.

3) It is customary at every game, for a fan, usually on the visiting side, to take it upon himself or herself to personally monitor the 3-second lane violations of the other team. (I'm not sure if its a self-designation, or it's relegated in some sort of pre-game committee meeting.) Now, I'm not totally sure what a 3-second lane violation is, but having been so designated, the appointed fan will notify the officials of the infraction EVERY play until it is called, and again after it hasn't been called for several minutes. By the way, the refs are so dumb, they rarely call it, even with said fan making them aware of the infraction on each play.

4) Fans (particularly parents) believe the players are listening to them in the stands. So calls of "Hustle!" and "Move!" and "Shoot the ball!" rain down from the stands with regularity. As every player is usually instructed to pay attention solely to his coach while in the game, and while it is virtually impossible to hear much of anything when hundreds of fans are all yelling at the same time, this does not deter the fan. I suppose the players do not tell these fans to shut up so as to help boost the self-esteem of the parent and preserve peace in the home.

5) The traveling violation (which is actually a false-start in football) was created, I'm to understand, to keep the player from grabbing the ball and running with it like a tailback. But the violation is called even if a player breathes wrong while holding the ball. If a player falls, and therefore has no control over their own movement, nor any ability to dribble a ball, they are still called for traveling, the sense of which I haven't been able to make out yet. Moreover, even though I'm sure that every coach teaches their player how to dribble a basketball, they all assume the other coach has not done so, because every time an opposing player has the ball and moves with it, they scream out "traveling!" Maybe it's in their contract to do so.

6) A "jump ball" is supposed to be called when a player from each team simultaneously has possession of the basketball. Some years ago, I'm to understand, officials were instructed to award the jump ball more liberally so as to cut down on the scrums that can turn a little violent when both teams are scrambling for a loose ball. It has done the opposite. Now, all you have to do is punch the opposing player in the neck when he has the ball, and you can be awarded a jump ball, upon which, no one jumps. I can only assume this is because the crowd likes a good fight. So it is a ruse. Under the guise of cutting down on scrums, they actually wanted to create more scrums, which they have. It's like hockey. That game's boring to the point of passing out, so everyone hopes for a good fight.

7) Coaches yell out things like "Four Corners!" or "Five-Out!" and "Kentucky!" or "Pioneer!" when their team has the ball on offense. I've learned this is a smoke screen, and only done to confuse the opposing team. Turns out, these phrases really have no meaning. Mostly, they all mean "Keep running around until someone get's open and takes a shot!" But apparently the other team, upon hearing such things, believes the team on offense is going to do something other than run around to get open and take a shot, so they stop playing defense properly, which they're coach hasn't taught them how to do anyway.

8) Unless you are too big or dumb to do so, it is federal law to know how to dribble a ball behind your back and between your legs. Not necessarily at the same time though, but sometimes.

9) A coach is not allowed to call a time out when things are going well for his team. Only when things are going badly. And if he does this, then he is allowed to yell at his own team. Also, coaches are not allowed to yell at the visiting players, even if they are punks. Only the fans are allowed to do this.

10) Even though it is the most physical game I've ever seen -- including football, and closely resembling wrestling matches -- it is apparently the job of the referees to get the hands of one player off the opposing player. Apparently, the coaches have no obligation whatsoever to teach their players to keep their hands off players of the opposing team, so the untrained players do it the whole game. The refs, however, suck at maintaining this order. See #1.

11) Refereeing in general is totally arbitrary. It's true. There's no rhyme or reason to it whatsoever. In fact, I wouldn't be shocked if there really isn't an actual rule book, or perhaps there is literally only ONE rule book, and none but a precious few have actually seen it, let alone read it. There are times when two players can way-lay each other to the point of drawing blood, and no foul will be called. Other times, a foul can be called when one player winks at another. I've tried, but I've found no pattern as of yet to how these determinations are made, which makes me think it's random. Which is fun, if you really think about it. Keeps things interesting.

12) Every fan, regardless of basketball knowledge or experience, knows more about how to coach the team than the actual coach does. I find this fascinating, because it seems to me that in today's culture of strapped school budgets, a lot of money could be saved by ditching coaches altogether and just throwing the players out on the court and let the fans tell them what to do.

13) In fact, you could do that with the refs too. Again, see #1.

What you can't do, however, under any circumstances, is get rid of the announcer.