I read a pretty good article today, titled Why You Weren’t Ready for Marriage: What no one ever told you… You should read the article yourself. It was written by a young minister named Tyler McKenzie, an acquaintance of mine who’s been married for a few years. He’s married to one of my favorite people in all the world, and it was my privilege to DJ their wedding reception. Ironically, she is the daughter of the minister and good friend of mine who officiated my wedding 23 years ago.
The premise of his article is that it is easy to fall in love, but hard to stay in love. The basis of which is that marriage is hard, and takes a lot of work to maintain and remain successful.
I agree, but only to a point. He means well, he really does, and he makes some good points and accurate assessments about how easy it is to “fall in love,” and how little substance on which the act of “falling in love” can be based.
But I think he misses some very vital points.
I always cringe when I hear people say that marriage is “hard.” That statement presumes that there is something inherently difficult in having a successful, long-lasting marriage. And I don’t believe that. And the reason I don’t believe that is because the Bible doesn’t teach that. There is no Biblical basis whatsoever that marriage – the way God set it up – is difficult at all, nor should it be.
In fact, I would contend that the Bible lays out some very concrete and very simple principles for marriage that if we would only follow them, would make marriage and, more specifically, our relationships with our spouses – and others – much, much easier.
First and foremost, we have to understand that God ordained marriage between a man and a woman for a very simple reason. When God created Adam, the very first observation He made about Adam was, “It’s not goodthat he should be alone.” So, after finding no suitable mate for Adam among all the creatures God had already created, He took a part away from Adam and made a woman. Therefore, God said, they should join together again so that they can become one.
So, the concept of “You Complete Me” is actually true. There’s actually a part of us that is incomplete without a spouse, so it should come as no surprise that we would want to take a spouse, and be naturally compatible with them. That’s the easy part.
(There are those who are called to be single for the sake of the Gospel – like the Apostle Paul – and God becomes their “completer,” but that’s a debate for another blog.)
But there is a BIG passage of Scripture in the New Testament that I think Tyler misses. And its true meaning is one a good portion of us miss on a regular basis. It’s found in I Corinthians 13.
Yes, the Love Chapter.
You’ve probably read it countless times, heard it recited at virtually every wedding you’ve ever attended, likely even your own. But here’s the catch: That passage isn’t talking about marriage, doesn’t even mention a husband or a wife. The context of the passage is about Spiritual gifts, and Paul is making a point that you can have all the prophesying, and tongue-speaking and healing you want, but without Love, they’re all meaningless gifts. The concept of marriage doesn’t even come up in the passage.
And I think that’s precisely why we miss what Paul is actually trying to tell us. Sure, it works well for a marriage, and is most definitely applicable, but the bigger picture is that the principles of Love that Paul lays out in that passage is how we are supposed to love EVERYBODY. Not just our spouse. It includes everybody from your parents, to your children, to your best friend, to your co-workers to your neighbors, and yes, to your spouse.
Which is where this all becomes tricky. Because somewhere along the line, society teaches us that we shouldn’t date (or marry) our friends. We’re not born with that inherently. It’s learned behavior. And whoever came up with that assessment was an absolute moron.
One of my best friends just died. Bryce Mansfield was certainly my best male friend, but the truth is that I loved him exactly the same way I love my wife. Because that’s what the Bible teaches me to do. Of course, the levels of intimacy were different (Thank God!) but the basis of our relationships is the same. Both my friendship with Bryce and with my wife are based on the same principles of Love laid out in I Corinthians 13. As is my relationships with my Mom, my kids, my other friends, and so on and so forth.
And that’s what we miss. Marriages aren’t hard because they are inherently difficult. They’re hard because we make them hard. We let society get in the way, and our own stupid and preconceived notions on what marriage is supposed to be like. And we forget that the Bible actually makes it very easy for us.
All too often, we choose to treat our spouses differently than we treat our other friends. We never talk about how “hard” it is to be friends with our best friend. It’s not hard to be a friend. We all get on our friends nerves at times, but we never say things like “we just can’t make our friendship work anymore,” or, “I can’t be friends with you anymore because you don’t look like you did when we were in 1st grade together.” You never hear, “He never helps me mow my grass so we just can’t be friends anymore.”
The reason marriages are hard is because too many people choose to marry someone with whom they are not friends. Or worse, they stop treating their spouse as a friend after they get married. My wife and I fight about things. We’ve fought about money, and sex and lots of other things, but we’ve never once considered the idea that we can’t be friends anymore. We’re not special people, any different from anyone else. We don’t have any special insight or wisdom. We’re just best friends.
Tyler is right in many respects. We do need to look ahead and understand that our bodies will change, and our looks will go, and our circumstances and environment might evolve. Marriage is a commitment, and it does take effort. But those things aren’t hard to do. In fact, they’re very easy. They’re simple choices we make every day. You don’t have to be a Super Hero to make it happen. The Bible teaches us how to do it. How hard is it to tell your best friend you love them?
I made that mistake before. I told a girl once that all I wanted to do was be friends, and that I had no intentions of ever dating her. I just about blew it. Fortunately, God hit me over the head one night, and I realized that the person I really wanted to spend all my time with was my friend. My best friend.
And Tyler McKenzie’s Father-in-Law married us 23 years ago. It wasn’t hard at all, and I haven’t had a difficult day since.
No comments:
Post a Comment