Boy, Did I Touch a Nerve: I need a "Break!"

So yesterday, I posted a question on social media that certainly touched a nerve with some folks. It was merely a question, although some inferred various things from it. I didn't imply anything, I didn't say anything negative, and it certainly wasn't aimed at any particular person or issue. I was, in part, genuinely curious as to what answers I would get, and in part curious to see how people might react over something so innocuous.

Though I don't usually explain myself, and find it somewhat worthless to do so, the question was simple: Why do spouses feel the need to have nights out with their boys or girls apart from their spouses? Just a question. I did not offer the question in any context, and nowhere did I say having friends outside the marriage was wrong. Nor did I imply I thought it was a problem getting together with them from time to time without one's spouse. (Remember, just because someone infers something from another's comments doesn't necessarily mean the other implied anything.)

Understand, while I have my beliefs on the subject, there is no wrong or right answer. To each his or her own. I was just curious as to what the answers might be.

To be fair, most of the responses were casual, and expected. They have hobbies that their spouses don't share and they like to get out with others to enjoy those interests. Or they have otherwise lifelong friends and they enjoy getting together to catch up. Perfectly normal.

But boy, did I touch a nerve with some others, who not only read into the question much more than was there, but also immediately went on the defensive. I do not know if some felt the answers were obvious and therefore the question didn't need asking, or if they were just offended that anyone would dare to ask. At any rate, I had to fend off some who were obviously upset by the question. I was told "the question is offensive to those who enjoy the time." Though I cannot possibly see how.

One friend said, "This is an argument you will not win." But I wasn't making an argument. Nor was I seeking or trying to start one. I was genuinely just asking a question.

One commenter asked, "What's wrong with married people having friends?" Though I never stated anywhere I thought it was. Another stated that they just needed "Me" time and asked, "Why is that so wrong?" Again, I had to reply that I never stated it was, or that I believed it was. Because I don't. I was somewhat taken aback by the vitriol.

It was an interesting social study how quickly a simple question stirred some into a tizzy. I find that telling.

Others mentioned needing a "break" from their spouse, which, I must confess, is a concept I don't understand. Still others either outright stated or insinuated that never having time apart from a spouse is actually damaging to the relationship. I'm not here to analyze that thought. Just found it interesting.

Others stated that maintaining and fostering relationships outside the marriage is also important. I don't disagree with that at all. Cutting off other friends for the sake of a marriage is never good or healthy, unless those friends are somehow trying to damage or become toxic to the marriage itself. If you have a friend who is constantly griping and complaining to you about your spouse, without any real basis, then it's time to cut that friend loose.

Only one commenter picked up on what I was really asking, which is the idea of "need." They commented that they felt... "the operative word here," in my comment, "is NEED." They were right. They went on to say, "The two of us have never felt that NEED for the now 37 1/2 years of marriage." And that really was what I was looking for, in terms of concept. It's not that it's the "right" answer. It's just that that was the idea I was fishing around for.

Two weeks ago, Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez -- J-Lo and A-Rod! -- called it quits. Quite frankly, I couldn't have cared less. I have no interest in celebrity couples who like to play house until it is no longer convenient for them. But what I DO care about is the comment they put out in announcing their split, and the headline it got in most of the major news outlets:

"We're just better as friends."

Let me break that down for you: "The sex was great, but other than that, we couldn't really figure out how to get along, so we'll just pretend we're friends for the public, but really, we'll probably never talk much again."

At least that would have been more truthful.

It's a stupid comment like "We're just better as friends," that is, I believe, not only the biggest myth in relationships today, but also the biggest destroyer of marriages today. We've all heard it before... "You shouldn't date your friends." That literally could not be a more moronic statement. It is absolutely your best friend that you SHOULD be dating, and ultimately, to whom you should be married.

Usually -- not always, but usually -- what first attracts us to a mate is physical traits. We find someone attractive. But if not before, when we didn't realize it, usually somewhere along the way a genuine friendship blossoms -- or at least it should. When you find that friend who is the one you most want to lean into in the good times and bad, that usually is the person you find you'd like to spend the rest of your life with. I'm oversimplifying, of course, but you get the general idea.

Romance and intimacy are easy. You buy some flowers, you put on a sexy outift, you finally end up naked having at it. We're physically designed to make it happen, so it's not that tough. (Please understand, I'm not undervaluing something that for some people, especially in the case of abuse, can be very scary and intimidating and even traumatizing. I'm just making a point that we are designed as physical creatures to procreate and have intimacy.) So in most relationships, romance and intimacy is the easiest part.

But you see, kids, one day, we start to age. Not sure when it happens, but our bodies start not looking like they once did. We start having less and less of a need for physical love, and the need for emotional and psychological love grows. I'm not a psychologist, but if you ask around, I'll bet you'll find thats primarily true. When that time comes, you better have more than just a good sex life holding it all together.

And while having a true friendship is always valuable, it becomes darn-near vital as we age and our relationships last longer and longer. At some point, if not early on, the friendship becomes considerably more important to the flourishing of any marriage than does the physical aspects. Again, please don't misunderstand: regular physical intimacy is a MUST for any marriage. It's just that it's not THE most important part. Think of it this way: A man and woman can stay together forever without having sex, but if they hate each other, no amount of sex will keep them together.

The message of, "We're just better as friends," has been destroying the minds of young people and ruining marriages for centuries. Think about it: I've never heard anyone say, "I just need a break away from my best friend." Indeed, most people are clamoring for more time spent with their besties. But you hear, "I just need a break from my spouse," pretty regularly. Alarmingly so, I believe.

Ginger and I have natural times apart. Time apart that simply happens organically. I play music, and still occasionally dabble in golf or some other activity. There are times she joins me, as she's always welcome, but not always. I'll golf with a buddy, or jam with my musical friends. We might grab some lunch or something together. Ginger has her own interests. Ladies she'll have a breakfast or Bible study with, or a game night with other ladies to which she gets invited. But those breaks happen naturally, during the course of our everyday lives. And those occurrences provide the natural "breaks" from each other without any real effort behind it. We're just living normal, everyday lives for Pete's sake.

But I am being honest when I say I have never once "needed" a break from Ginger. I have never had a "need" to "hang out with the boys" to get away from my wife for awhile. I'm not even sure I understand what "me time" really is, because she is what makes me happy. Heck, if it wasn't for Ginger's own refusal of invitations, she'd be with me all the time, as I never do anything with anybody she isn't welcome to join. And I don't want to speak for her, but I'd bet you she'd say the same thing. Sorry -- not sorry. That's just us.

None of which is to say the answers and comments I got on my post yesterday were wrong. It was just very telling that some got so defensive about it right out of the chute. So please, you do you and I'll do me. You certainly didn't ask for, nor do you need, my stamp of approval. Who am I anyway?

But I will say this: And this comes from 40+ years of really having a keen interest in watching and observing marriages, so take it for what its worth. Rarely have I seen a truly happy marriage where either spouse felt they "needed" a break from each other. If you feel that "need" in your marriage, perhaps there's more there than you realize. That's just a friendly heads up.

By the way, the winning comment yesterday came from my brother, Troy McGranahan... "I steal things... and I don't want her to be involved.

Rock on, brother... rock on!